"Come back from California...I starve for your attention..."
I wonder what I'm gonna do today. It's cloudy. I WAS going to go to the pool today...except not the country club pool, these people in my church's pool. But the only reason I was going to go there today was because I felt kind of obligated, 'cause I used to go there all the time, but then I started to go to the country club because I liked the atmosphere better. And they came up to me at church yesterday and said they missed me coming to swim in their pool, so I said I was going to take the girl I babysit up there to their pool today and swim, and I'm kind of glad it's cloudy, 'cause I really didn't want to go swimming there, and I don't have to babysit today anyway, 'cause the girl called and said I didn't have to today. So I was gonna go up there by myself and swim, out of pure obligation, but since it's cloudy, I'm not.
My plan was to go to Barnes & Noble and Best Buy and get a book and/or a CD after I got back from swimming. So I might go there earlier, since I'm not going swimming. But I need gas. And I don't know what to read, OR if I should spend my money anyway. I might need to save as much as I can for the "et ceteras" in college. *shrug*
This week is going to go by so slowly.
I hope I enjoy things in college and won't just be counting the days until I get out. I hope I won't always think about getting married in college, but rather will enjoy and think about OTHER things. I also hope God won't take Jared away just because I'm always thinking and looking forward to marriage almost to where I can't enjoy anything else. I mean...*sigh*...it's not like I DON'T look forward to meeting people, making friends, hanging out, going to shows, growing spiritually/theologically, and etc. in college. I just...I don't know. I DO like and enjoy those things. I just...I don't know...I've always looked forward to getting married, and even more so now I guess. God, help me not to obsess so much over who and when I'm going to marry, but enjoy my life as it is in the HERE AND NOW. I guess since I don't necessarily plan on dating in college (unless God shoves some guy in my face and is like 'Here's the guy I want you to marry' or 'Here's the guy I want you to date'), I feel that a BIG PART of college and what everybody DOES in college (searches for their future mate) is going to be left out, making it harder to enjoy college since that's not exactly going to be a part of college for me, and I've never really dated ANYWAY. Unless, again, God lets me know I'm supposed to date some guy he brings to me. I guess I'm afraid 'cause I'm a vulnerable person when it comes to guys. And no, I'm not saying it's hard for me to say "no" to things I know aren't right (like sex before marriage). I'm saying that it's hard for me not to flirt with a guy who's cute, interesting, or that I think is cool or something. It's hard for me to be like "I have a boyfriend," which I think is kind of odd. It's hard for me to NOT act like I'm "available" or whatever. I think it's because I've never dated. I've never had guys specify interest in me before. Or at least, not really. So I'm afraid. I mean, YES I want guy friends in college, without a doubt. I want to find cool guys I can talk music with, and other things with. God, relationships, you name it. I mean...I DO want good friends in college, guys and girls alike. I'm just afraid I'll be...BORED without dating. Not that I WANT to date...I just...gah! I WILL sacrifice dating and other guys for Jared if it be God's will. In fact, I hope that IS God's will because I WANT WANT WANT Jared to be my "meant to be." I really do. I hope God DOESN'T bring me a guy in college that he wants me to marry or whatever. I mean, of course, if it IS God's will for me to marry somebody else, I guess in the long run I WILL be like "I'm glad you had somebody else." But right now, I hope He doesn't. Even though I know that if He DOES, it will be for my best interest and I'll be glad about it LATER. I KNOW that. But knowing doesn't always affect one's FEELINGS. Yeah. I just hope that all this confusion I'm feeling doesn't cause God to take Jared away. Just because I may not be DEALING with things the right way, I hope God doesn't take Jared away 'cause of it. Not that I necessarily believe God works like that.... but yeah. God, help me to deal with this the right way. Help me not to worry. Help me to relax, and live in the here and now. Help me to enjoy today. Help me to be freaking PATIENT. Help me to trust You.
I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
Heh, I might not end up doing anything today but reading and listening to music and getting online again. *shrug* Ah well. Enjoy it while I can, I guess.
My plan was to go to Barnes & Noble and Best Buy and get a book and/or a CD after I got back from swimming. So I might go there earlier, since I'm not going swimming. But I need gas. And I don't know what to read, OR if I should spend my money anyway. I might need to save as much as I can for the "et ceteras" in college. *shrug*
This week is going to go by so slowly.
I hope I enjoy things in college and won't just be counting the days until I get out. I hope I won't always think about getting married in college, but rather will enjoy and think about OTHER things. I also hope God won't take Jared away just because I'm always thinking and looking forward to marriage almost to where I can't enjoy anything else. I mean...*sigh*...it's not like I DON'T look forward to meeting people, making friends, hanging out, going to shows, growing spiritually/theologically, and etc. in college. I just...I don't know. I DO like and enjoy those things. I just...I don't know...I've always looked forward to getting married, and even more so now I guess. God, help me not to obsess so much over who and when I'm going to marry, but enjoy my life as it is in the HERE AND NOW. I guess since I don't necessarily plan on dating in college (unless God shoves some guy in my face and is like 'Here's the guy I want you to marry' or 'Here's the guy I want you to date'), I feel that a BIG PART of college and what everybody DOES in college (searches for their future mate) is going to be left out, making it harder to enjoy college since that's not exactly going to be a part of college for me, and I've never really dated ANYWAY. Unless, again, God lets me know I'm supposed to date some guy he brings to me. I guess I'm afraid 'cause I'm a vulnerable person when it comes to guys. And no, I'm not saying it's hard for me to say "no" to things I know aren't right (like sex before marriage). I'm saying that it's hard for me not to flirt with a guy who's cute, interesting, or that I think is cool or something. It's hard for me to be like "I have a boyfriend," which I think is kind of odd. It's hard for me to NOT act like I'm "available" or whatever. I think it's because I've never dated. I've never had guys specify interest in me before. Or at least, not really. So I'm afraid. I mean, YES I want guy friends in college, without a doubt. I want to find cool guys I can talk music with, and other things with. God, relationships, you name it. I mean...I DO want good friends in college, guys and girls alike. I'm just afraid I'll be...BORED without dating. Not that I WANT to date...I just...gah! I WILL sacrifice dating and other guys for Jared if it be God's will. In fact, I hope that IS God's will because I WANT WANT WANT Jared to be my "meant to be." I really do. I hope God DOESN'T bring me a guy in college that he wants me to marry or whatever. I mean, of course, if it IS God's will for me to marry somebody else, I guess in the long run I WILL be like "I'm glad you had somebody else." But right now, I hope He doesn't. Even though I know that if He DOES, it will be for my best interest and I'll be glad about it LATER. I KNOW that. But knowing doesn't always affect one's FEELINGS. Yeah. I just hope that all this confusion I'm feeling doesn't cause God to take Jared away. Just because I may not be DEALING with things the right way, I hope God doesn't take Jared away 'cause of it. Not that I necessarily believe God works like that.... but yeah. God, help me to deal with this the right way. Help me not to worry. Help me to relax, and live in the here and now. Help me to enjoy today. Help me to be freaking PATIENT. Help me to trust You.
I'm eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
Heh, I might not end up doing anything today but reading and listening to music and getting online again. *shrug* Ah well. Enjoy it while I can, I guess.