i need air.

sometimes i wonder about things.  a lot of things.  like why i'm so lazy.  and why i'm so nonconfrontational.  and why i am so self-conscious.  and why i wish i was so much more than i am.  i mean i literally daydream about being so much more...to the point where the person i'm imagining in my head is not even myself anymore. 

i am paranoid.  i am a fixer.  i am neurotic.  i am impatient.  i want to know how something is going and how the other person or persons perceive it.  i want to be in control.  i want to get out of bad situations as soon as possible rather than let them take their natural course.   i want to find things out prematurely.  i want others to do the work for me.  i want to be lazy. 

BUT I DON'T.  i don't want any of that.  my TRUE self doesn't.  so what IS my true self?  and how do i become that "true self"?  i get so caught up in mediocrity and living a life where i'm barely getting by.

the apostle paul talks about his sinful nature in much the same way.  "i do what i don't want to do, what i hate," he says (my paraphrase).  he is stuck between two opposing forces - the desire to do right, and his inherently sinful nature.

maybe that is what is going on here. 

i just get stuck in these ruts where i don't talk to God at all and i am miserable and i know what is causing that sad state of affairs and yet i don't do the one thing i should do to make it better.  why?  because my desire fades away.  or i am lazy.  or i just don't have the TIME.  i'd rather sleep. 

the truth is, i wouldn't know where to start even if i did decide to pick up my bible. 

i want a life i don't yet have. 

i write to sound smart.  i write to impress.  i do things for all the wrong reasons. 

even a little pride can go a long way. 

"and there i go showing off again, self-impressed by how well i can put myself down!  and then go again, to the next further removed level of that same exact feigned humility! (this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea.)" - mewithoutYou, "wolf am i! (and shadow)"

if i was inherently good, why would i struggle with this at all?  this deep desire to merely get by in life.  either i am the only one (the exception), or it has just not come to others' awareness that they are like this also.  i have always been painfully aware of each and every minute motive i possess for every minute thing i do.  that's what happens when you are overly analytical like i am.

i am rambling and making no sense at all. 

all i know is that i feel trapped.  claustrophobic. 

i need air.