"A misrepresentation...of reality..."

[hot_foot_steph]

"Be who you are and say what you feel, 'cause those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Theodore Gaiser, A.K.A. Dr. Seuss



Why do *I* have to be the one among everyone who wears her shelteredness, insecurity, and over-serious, can't-take-a-joke persona on her sleeve?

I honestly hate it. I'm not saying I can't do something about it, I'm really not... (although I struggle with that, too)...but it's the fact that maybe I actually LIKE who I am. I think the reason I get so upset is because others DON'T. They like ME...but they don't like HOW I AM. And that...sucks. Talk about a killer of the self-esteem there.

Honestly? I should just be a quiet person. I shouldn't say anything. If I'm over-serious, people find a problem. If I'm trying to be light-hearted and relaxed? They laugh at it. I'm sorry, but I understand that in even being CONCERNED with that, I'm being over-serious, but it kind of gets a little TIRING after a while. I don't want to be laughed at. I want to be understood, loved, and DESIRED AS A FRIEND just the way I am...and I'm NOT. Yeah sure, people think I'm "cute" and "funny" and "precious"...but I'd like some adjectives with more of a DEEPER meaning than that...especially when it comes to friendship. I desire friendship...especially friendship where the people UNDERSTAND one another, ACCEPT them for who they are, and just, sheesh, I don't know...I'm just so exhausted.

And here's another thought: Should I NOT like myself being this way? Honestly. Is it because I've been sheltered that I like myself? In other words, if I wasn't sheltered, I wouldn't like the type of person I am......

I WISH people could see the Stephanie that's intelligent, caring, witty, realistic, fun to be around, and, heh, NORMAL. I mean...it's not like these aspects haven't come up in me to others, but the fact is, nobody seems to notice them. And if they do, they mistake them for something ELSE. For instance, realistic, they take to mean over-serious. Funny, they take to mean sheltered, when really THAT'S JUST MY TYPE OF "FUNNY." WHY don't the majority of people GET that? I am NOT being arrogant here...I HONESTLY do not UNDERSTAND. WHY are there only a select FEW who don't have any PROBLEMS with how I am? I have found 2 here so far that do. And I am excited about that. Really, I am. I'm happy that God has led me to them. And it's not like I don't like hanging around multitudes of different people. I really do.

......(psst, put this next sentence in italics...I don't know how to do it on live journal) ;) but I wish people who claim to love "diversity" wouldn't be hypocrites about it regarding me.

Comments

[goodeveningsun.livejournal.com]

now HERE's an adjective: SEXXY.

[peacefulmisery.livejournal.com]

Okay, for some TOTALLY odd reason, the first thing I thought in my mind when I read that was "YOU ROCK MY PANTS OFF!" ...and then I thought about that for a second...

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Haha. You rock my SOCKS off. Yes. That is MUCH better. ;)

Love,
Stephanie

[my-only-heart.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Steph. I think you're intelligent, caring, witty, realistic, fun to be around and NOT normal. But normal isn't good! I don't classify myself as normal, either. Sweetie, you're awesome, and I'm sorry you have to deal with the stuff you are, but you have nothing to be insecure about. Just because you disagree doesn't make YOU the odd one...don't be so hard on yourself. And it's certainly not good to stay quiet. Sometimes, yes, but you shouldn't have to hold back either.

If you ever need to vent or anything, you know where to IM me or e-mail me. Please don't hesitate...nothing is stupid =)

Hang in there. *hugs*

[peacefulmisery.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you Laura. That was sweet. And you're right; you are.

Love,
Steph