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I wonder...as I wander...
Dec. 21st, 2003 08:06 pmSo I've been in a very thoughtful mood lately...ever since I got home for Christmas break.
I had my depression/anxiety/confusion/bad thoughts flare up again the past couple of days...and it was pretty bad. I was scared to death. I haven't had that happen since...well...since I was PAST my phase of remission. I'm not kidding, my brain was doing funny things to me. I honestly thought one time I was hearing voices. Scared me half to death. I thought I was schizophrenic because during the first part of a conversation with Jared I had the other day I said I was great, and I really truly was, then by the middle of the conversation, I was crying like there was no tomorrow and telling Jared how scared I was about my future and my life. Then, at the end, I'm fine again.
I think I'm having my mid-life crisis at age nineteen.
Could it be that I'm feeling like I'm not a part of this family anymore because I'm gone? Could it be that BOTH my parents are on depression medication and that the church, which my dad pastors, is undergoing severe financial problems as well as attendance difficulties and that being away at school I have no idea what's going on in the lives of those people in my church I care about so much? And like they're going to tell me what's REALLY going on. No, the world is full of people putting on happy faces and saying they're fine when really they aren't. I can tell my parents are undergoing some things that they aren't telling me about. I realize I'm home from school and that my parents don't want to lay anything on me that isn't already a burden to me, but come on. I'm nineteen. I can handle this. I keep finding things out about how the school is, how church is, and how my very family is and all of it is depressing, for the most part. The youth pastors at our church are apparently doing a lousy job with the youth and I almost hate it that I'm gone, because I made such an impact in their lives. Allison has given up, Natalie now feels "obligated" to go to youth group, and they're all just growing up and I wish I could be here for them. But I can't. 'Cause I'm away at school. WHY do I care about the entire world? In the town I live in, once you're gone, you're gone. I gave Maria my cell phone number and dorm phone number and told her to give it to all the girls (which, all the girls in the youth group now are between the ages of 11 and 15) and for them to call me if they needed to talk or anything at all. I can't help it - I feel like a big sister to them, and they've told me I am for them.
I guess I just feel out of place now. And my parents tell me how much they miss me WHEN I'M GONE but when I'm here, they don't seem to appreciate my company, and sometimes I just give into my thoughts, "Well, when I'm gone again, they'll see..." It just...I don't know. I don't like feeing unappreciated.
You'd think that after knowing the saying, "You don't realize how much you love/need/appreciate someone until they're gone" and then being able to apply it to your own life (like my parents, with me at college and them calling to say how much they miss me and such) that when you actually DID come home, the lesson would be fulfilled and understood. But no, as people, we SEE the potentiality of the lesson but it never fully develops because we're too enthralled in our own lives. We keep wanting second chances.
I cannot wait to lock lips with my boy when he comes. *giggles*
I am done with my parents' photoalbum/scrapbook thing!
I cleaned the whole house today for our company tonight.
SO much stuff is on my mind. I hate not being able to know how to word it. It's not that I wouldn't mind sharing it, (personally, I think I'd share just about everything about my life...life is too short to be embarrassed about letting others know deep, dark secrets and such. You really don't realize how much telling a deep secret will help someone else, simply for the fact of them realizing they aren't the only one.)
Humanity is weird. And seriously, sometimes, I still think I'm a different species.
Am I strange?
I hate when people call you close-minded because you KNOW what you believe. Just because I think such and such is wrong doesn't mean I'm not open-minded, it means I'm open minded enough to think it's ACTUALLY okay to have a set belief. And besides, I'm not the kind of person (generally speaking) that will BE close-minded about something without being open-minded about the other options first. Thanks.
Dear Me,
Your boyfriend is online. Gotta go.
Sincerely,
Me (and that's a song)
I had my depression/anxiety/confusion/bad thoughts flare up again the past couple of days...and it was pretty bad. I was scared to death. I haven't had that happen since...well...since I was PAST my phase of remission. I'm not kidding, my brain was doing funny things to me. I honestly thought one time I was hearing voices. Scared me half to death. I thought I was schizophrenic because during the first part of a conversation with Jared I had the other day I said I was great, and I really truly was, then by the middle of the conversation, I was crying like there was no tomorrow and telling Jared how scared I was about my future and my life. Then, at the end, I'm fine again.
I think I'm having my mid-life crisis at age nineteen.
Could it be that I'm feeling like I'm not a part of this family anymore because I'm gone? Could it be that BOTH my parents are on depression medication and that the church, which my dad pastors, is undergoing severe financial problems as well as attendance difficulties and that being away at school I have no idea what's going on in the lives of those people in my church I care about so much? And like they're going to tell me what's REALLY going on. No, the world is full of people putting on happy faces and saying they're fine when really they aren't. I can tell my parents are undergoing some things that they aren't telling me about. I realize I'm home from school and that my parents don't want to lay anything on me that isn't already a burden to me, but come on. I'm nineteen. I can handle this. I keep finding things out about how the school is, how church is, and how my very family is and all of it is depressing, for the most part. The youth pastors at our church are apparently doing a lousy job with the youth and I almost hate it that I'm gone, because I made such an impact in their lives. Allison has given up, Natalie now feels "obligated" to go to youth group, and they're all just growing up and I wish I could be here for them. But I can't. 'Cause I'm away at school. WHY do I care about the entire world? In the town I live in, once you're gone, you're gone. I gave Maria my cell phone number and dorm phone number and told her to give it to all the girls (which, all the girls in the youth group now are between the ages of 11 and 15) and for them to call me if they needed to talk or anything at all. I can't help it - I feel like a big sister to them, and they've told me I am for them.
I guess I just feel out of place now. And my parents tell me how much they miss me WHEN I'M GONE but when I'm here, they don't seem to appreciate my company, and sometimes I just give into my thoughts, "Well, when I'm gone again, they'll see..." It just...I don't know. I don't like feeing unappreciated.
You'd think that after knowing the saying, "You don't realize how much you love/need/appreciate someone until they're gone" and then being able to apply it to your own life (like my parents, with me at college and them calling to say how much they miss me and such) that when you actually DID come home, the lesson would be fulfilled and understood. But no, as people, we SEE the potentiality of the lesson but it never fully develops because we're too enthralled in our own lives. We keep wanting second chances.
I cannot wait to lock lips with my boy when he comes. *giggles*
I am done with my parents' photoalbum/scrapbook thing!
I cleaned the whole house today for our company tonight.
SO much stuff is on my mind. I hate not being able to know how to word it. It's not that I wouldn't mind sharing it, (personally, I think I'd share just about everything about my life...life is too short to be embarrassed about letting others know deep, dark secrets and such. You really don't realize how much telling a deep secret will help someone else, simply for the fact of them realizing they aren't the only one.)
Humanity is weird. And seriously, sometimes, I still think I'm a different species.
Am I strange?
I hate when people call you close-minded because you KNOW what you believe. Just because I think such and such is wrong doesn't mean I'm not open-minded, it means I'm open minded enough to think it's ACTUALLY okay to have a set belief. And besides, I'm not the kind of person (generally speaking) that will BE close-minded about something without being open-minded about the other options first. Thanks.
Dear Me,
Your boyfriend is online. Gotta go.
Sincerely,
Me (and that's a song)
