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God is teaching me so much.
like about being confident when i pray, and believing in receiving when i ask.
also, i am always worrying and so upset over many things. but christ is teaching me how to stop thinking, literally, choose him, and therefore choose peace and overall a better way to occupy my time.
my favorite verse right now, seriously, is "trust in the lord and lean not on your own understanding."
this book, "the cost of discipleship," by dietrich bonhoeffer, is amazing. if anyone really UNDERSTOOD jesus' message, it was that guy. he is so dead on. it's such a challenging, good news type of book that i almost treat it like i would a nice piece of warm apple pie. the gospel is such a paradox sometimes. i mean, like, you think you know everything there is to know...but you have no idea. jesus turns our own understanding up on its end just when we think we've got everything down pat. it causes us to TOTALLY adhere to no one and nothing but jesus christ himself. it's all about denial of the self. and, again paradoxically, we find that that is THE ONLY way to live. the only way to true freedom. it's SO not about enslavement.
i feel so much better and not so much held in bondage by my own faith. make sense? i get so caught up in thinking and trying to reconcile my faith with my brain sometimes that it drives me nuts. and i never thought i could experience peace and freedom from such worries about life and my future and who i am and what i'm capable of, but i can and he is showing me how. and it's so simple. the way to christ really IS about freedom, you know? i used to think how is it freedom if you have to give up all the things you want to do? but christianity really IS about self-denial and living GOd's way rather than your own way. and i keep thinking i am just so on target with understanding God and the world, and as soon as i get like that, God flips my own understanding on its head and tells me how ridiculous i'm being and how utterly i'm only depending on MYSELF for EVERYTHING. i'm trying to be my own God half the time that i don't realize that the battle really IS the Lord's. not mine. i'm such a control freak. i know it may sound complicated. but i have gotten myself into such an "i'm in control, gotta do everything right" mentality that it's honestly stressed me out to the max, especially at work, and i've been getting tension headaches. ugh. but God isn't about carrying a heavy load. jesus says his yolk is easy and his burden is LIGHT.
where have i been all this time? if this is what jesus is really like...if this is what christianity truly means...if this is how carefree and simple i can feel...pour me another glass! :)
ahh, peace. i never thought it was possible. i am using the kids' nap time to engage in prayer and devotion and it is making such a huge difference in my life. like, i honestly feel that God is trying to do something huge in my life. change the way i look at things and react to situations. make me a true disciple. follow him more closely. more truly. i feel his presence like never before. things keep happening that show me he is near and loves me, and it's so mind-boggling. but in a good way. :)
God is doing a new thing in me! :D
