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Oct. 3rd, 2004 01:45 pmWhy this sudden ambivalence toward God?
Why do I feel fake?
Why am I overcome with such feelings of unbelief? Like, sometimes I purposefully won't have faith in something because I'm afraid that if I DO have faith and it doesn't happen, that I'll lose my faith. And sometimes I won't have faith because I really don't think it's gonna happen. Having faith is hard for me, especially when I semi-believe that God doesn't work through faith. WHY do I believe such a thing? =\ I'm so confused. I'm not even sure if I love Jesus. I THINK I do, but how can I be sure? Especially since I obey him out of obligation, not out of love. I don't know HOW to obey out of love. I don't know what that MEANS. I don't know how that's supposed to FEEL.
How can I be a youth minister if I'm not even sure of my own beliefs? I mean, I believe in God. I believe Jesus is God's Son. And I believe he died on the cross for my sins and that if I believe that, I'll spend eternity with him. I believe all that. But this whole faith thing has really got me. And for some reason, I can't seem to worship God. Every time there's a praise and worship set at church or at school, I don't feel into it. I feel fake when I sing. I don't feel the Holy Spirit. WHY IS THIS? I feel like I'm faking being a Christian or something. One minute, I feel close to God, the next minute, I don't. And I have YET to feel close to God when I'm praising Him. Thus, I'm not really praising Him at all.
I WANT TO FEEL CLOSE TO GOD! I WANT HIM TO HAVE A PLAN FOR ME! (Heh, maybe if I kept up with my daily time with God I'd see a difference) But I'm not even sure God has chosen me. How could He choose someone who is ambivalent towards Him and who feels ambivalent when she worships? I mean seriously, I'm just, for some reason, not into the whole "praise God" thing. And I don't know why. I've just always been about God's benefit for ME, not what I can do for HIM. Sort of. Or something. Basically, I've always been like, God is with me when I need him, but I can't seem to feel adoration or anything like that when I'm worshipping Him through song or whatever. WHAT is my problem? Why don't I feel adoration towards God? Do I even adore Him at all? I'm not sure! Gah! I hate this.
What...is...my...problem.
**Edit**
Maybe I don't feel adoration towards him because I've grown calloused to the fact that He died on the cross for me. Maybe that's it. I've gotten so used to the fact that it doesn't wow me anymore. God, I want that back. I want to be amazed every day of your loving kindness. I want to be amazed every day that you died on the cross for me. Instead of growing so accustomed to it that I've grown calloused to it.
Also, sometimes when I hear people singing praise songs, I cringe. WHY IS THIS? I love Jesus, so why would I cringe? Is it because I'm ashamed of Him? Embarrassed by Him? :( I don't know what's up. All I know is, I want to change. God, please, change me completely.
Why do I feel fake?
Why am I overcome with such feelings of unbelief? Like, sometimes I purposefully won't have faith in something because I'm afraid that if I DO have faith and it doesn't happen, that I'll lose my faith. And sometimes I won't have faith because I really don't think it's gonna happen. Having faith is hard for me, especially when I semi-believe that God doesn't work through faith. WHY do I believe such a thing? =\ I'm so confused. I'm not even sure if I love Jesus. I THINK I do, but how can I be sure? Especially since I obey him out of obligation, not out of love. I don't know HOW to obey out of love. I don't know what that MEANS. I don't know how that's supposed to FEEL.
How can I be a youth minister if I'm not even sure of my own beliefs? I mean, I believe in God. I believe Jesus is God's Son. And I believe he died on the cross for my sins and that if I believe that, I'll spend eternity with him. I believe all that. But this whole faith thing has really got me. And for some reason, I can't seem to worship God. Every time there's a praise and worship set at church or at school, I don't feel into it. I feel fake when I sing. I don't feel the Holy Spirit. WHY IS THIS? I feel like I'm faking being a Christian or something. One minute, I feel close to God, the next minute, I don't. And I have YET to feel close to God when I'm praising Him. Thus, I'm not really praising Him at all.
I WANT TO FEEL CLOSE TO GOD! I WANT HIM TO HAVE A PLAN FOR ME! (Heh, maybe if I kept up with my daily time with God I'd see a difference) But I'm not even sure God has chosen me. How could He choose someone who is ambivalent towards Him and who feels ambivalent when she worships? I mean seriously, I'm just, for some reason, not into the whole "praise God" thing. And I don't know why. I've just always been about God's benefit for ME, not what I can do for HIM. Sort of. Or something. Basically, I've always been like, God is with me when I need him, but I can't seem to feel adoration or anything like that when I'm worshipping Him through song or whatever. WHAT is my problem? Why don't I feel adoration towards God? Do I even adore Him at all? I'm not sure! Gah! I hate this.
What...is...my...problem.
**Edit**
Maybe I don't feel adoration towards him because I've grown calloused to the fact that He died on the cross for me. Maybe that's it. I've gotten so used to the fact that it doesn't wow me anymore. God, I want that back. I want to be amazed every day of your loving kindness. I want to be amazed every day that you died on the cross for me. Instead of growing so accustomed to it that I've grown calloused to it.
Also, sometimes when I hear people singing praise songs, I cringe. WHY IS THIS? I love Jesus, so why would I cringe? Is it because I'm ashamed of Him? Embarrassed by Him? :( I don't know what's up. All I know is, I want to change. God, please, change me completely.
