(no subject)

I am resurrecting an old journal entry (July 30th) for Jared to read (whenever he gets back online again) that may help explain some things:

Okay guys, I don't know what to do.  To make a long story short, Jared called me to apologize about everything.  He said that when I came down in March, he was unhappy and overreacted to everything. (That was the trip that went wrong and that ended everything)  He also said that he wanted to blame me for the break-up.  He also apologized for putting those things in his journal (one entry he said he was engaged...that's how he let me know, by putting it in his journal...he didn't have the balls to tell me on the phone (we had a long-distance relationship, Lauren)...another entry, all lovey-dovey about his new relationship with his fiancee.)  And see, I'm the only one who really reads his journal, and his roommate told him he was being a jerk, which Jared agreed to-it's why he apologized.  Anyway, he said that doing that was a mistake and that getting engaged was also a mistake.  He said that they broke it off a couple of nights ago and that he "didn't know what they were now."  Anyway, he also apologized for trying to cover up the hurt he had with me with getting engaged to another girl.  He made it a point to say that his apologies were not to get all pathetic and ask me back, but that he wanted to set things straight. 

My problem? I want him back.  I want our wonderful romance back.  It was so WONDERFUL what we had.  He understood me so well. He accepted me for all that I was and wasn't.  We shared the same faith.  He really KNEW me.  He was not only my first love but he was my first kiss, too.  And our kisses were always so wonderful.

The thing is, or I should say, the things ARE...
After the trip that went bad came to pass, he wanted to take a break from me.  I wanted that too.  I initiated it.  Well, after that, he started acting weird.  He, in essence, blamed me for the trip that when he called recently, said it was mostly his fault. 

[A basic rundown of the trip:  I had an O.C.D. attack and wasn't exactly myself...he, on the other hand, acted a little different around his friends than he had acted when he was with me, and I wasn't cool with that.  He cussed more, he visited a shop that had a pot-smoking thing in it with his friend Eric (it was one of those curtains that had "You have to have an ID to get past this" or something and it had this pot smoking thing in there), and he said that he liked the feeling you get when you haven't slept at all because it feels like you're high.  I know these things seem matterless to you guys, and I know they're small, but they're important to me.  I don't like cussing and I don't particularly like the fact that he went behind that curtain with his friend to look at a pot-smoking thing.  I also didn't like the comment he made about being high.  Nevertheless, I noticed that I didn't have the same sense of humor as him and his friend.  This, however, wasn't that big of a deal. But when we went to Lawrence, KS to visit some shops (it's a college town so there's a lot of knick-knack shops there) , he and Eric laughed at things that I didn't find funny. And so I felt like we didn't have much in common.  (Then again, that's usually the case.  You DO act differently around your friends than your significant other...but in this case, it was a bad different).  And I felt left out.  Plus, it was period time so I was feeling over-emotional and probably made a bigger deal out of it than it really was.  Needless to say, I ruined the trip to Lawrence that day. Before I even WENT to visit Jared, my psychiatrist didn't even want me to go because she thought I was too fragile, and I was, as was proved by the trip.   But yeah. I had just gotten over a toxic reaction to my Paxil and so I was very fragile and my psychiatrist didn't think I could handle a trip to Kansas much less the 36 hour bus ride I had to endure to get there.  Anyway...I also noticed that we seemed to disagree on some Christian issues. For instance, I believe the Bible says a Christian should not marry a non-Christian. He doesn't believe that that is what the Bible is saying.  (Now, this isn't necessarily a big deal.) Secondly, he didn't seem to be too keen on meeting Christian friends, which I thought would be good for him.   We also argued badly over something else, but I forget what it was. Something stupid about him being unhealthy or something, but I don't think that's how the argument began.  I will admit, part of the problem was me being too emotional.  AND being away from home.  To top it all off, me being fragile.  All of these factors have to be put into play here.  Also, I made some comment in an argument about him not trying hard enough to be with me, which was a MAJOR mistake, considering he was trying his best to get into a college near me so he could be nearer to me.]

ANYWAY...that's a basic rundown of the trip.  But see, when we took the break, like I said, he really didn't want to have anything to do with me.  And when we got online, he didn't really say anything. 

Now...these are the main reasons why I won't consider getting back with him:
-When he was online one time, he said he couldn't handle me "laying into him" my depression and my O.C.D.  And then he said he was contemplating suicide because of me and my problems.  He didn't say it like that. But he said, almost exactly, "I'm tired of you laying into me your depression and your O.C.D.  I've been contemplating suicide for the past week now."  Now, that suicide statement was purely manipulative and made me pour out apologies to him for everything.  I even made the comment, "Stay far far away from me if I do that to you sweetie" with tears just streaming down my face.  That was NOT right at all.  Not only that, but he said he couldn't handle my depression and my O.C.D. If you're going to be with somebody, you've got to be able to handle their stuff and love them for EVERYTHING, and he just proved he couldn't.  Not only by saying he couldn't, but by saying it was causing him to contemplate suicide.<----This is the main reason why I won't consider getting back with him.  The whole suicide thing and the saying that he can't handle my OCD and depression
-He's irresponsible
-He doesn't tell me about things that are going on in his head
-He makes bad decisions (He got engaged nearly 3 months after we broke up which shows he makes bad decisions...and it hurt to know that he got engaged that quickly after our break-up...)
-He only said he wanted to go to college because of me because now that we've broken up, he's suddenly not interested anymore.  When I had asked him before, I always made it a point to say "Are you sure you're going to college because you feel it's what God wants you to do or are you just doing it for me?" and he always said he was doing it for him but now I'm not so sure that was true
-His faith doesn't seem to be very strong
-He needs to grow up

I don't know what to do. I don't think I'd get back with him, but every time he calls it hurts me because I miss him.  But we said we'd remain friends, and friends call each other.  I don't want to end all communication with him.  His friendship means a lot to me. 

I want him back, I want what we had back, but I'm not so sure it's the right thing to do.  Nor am I sure if it's what God wants.  I don't really think it is.  Not that he'd take me back anyway.  I mean, heck, he was just engaged to another girl. An engagement's a big deal.  (I still can't believe he got engaged that soon after our break-up) And they're probably still together or something.  I need you guys' advice.  I doubt we'd get back together anyway.  This entry is to see if it's worth me pining over.

These were the comments to my entry: drewberry4 2004-07-30 20:51 (link) Select First of all, is he still engaged? Is he still with this girl? If he is, he shouldn't be discussing having you back and whatnot. And he shouldn't be calling you so often. That isn't fair to his girlfriend and is reflective of his values and priorities :-\ he said he was contemplating suicide because of me and my problems This statement happened to me one time. My ex boyfriend (who, btw, was extremely verbally abusive and manipulative) said that on several occasions to me. Mostly because of panic attacks and stuff. Because of all of the stuff you've written about him, I think that you need to accept that he's different now. He has different interests, different morals, and different expectations of the future. I know how hard it is to move on, but you can do it. It's going to be the best thing for you. Be strong and know that we're all here for you. (Reply to this)(Thread) peacefulmisery 2004-07-30 20:57 (link) Select He wasn't discussing having me back; he said that the purpose of his apologies was not to get back together, but to set things straight. And no, they aren't engaged anymore. Is he still with her? I don't know.(Reply to this)(Parent) __allnightdiner 2004-07-30 21:26 (link) Select I agree with the ever-wise Lauren. Just be careful, Steph. It does sound like he's changed a bit, and the whole part about him breaking it off with you and three months later being engaged is a big deal. Be careful...I'm still prayin' for ya. Follow your heart, but don't overlook those things, because that's the truth placed before you, it seems.(Reply to this)(Parent) peacefulmisery 2004-07-31 20:25 (link) Select We also agreed to remain friends, so that's why he still calls me. Is that bad? Should he not call a friend if she's an ex-girlfriend? Especially when he has a girlfriend? Is it bad? I'm asking because I don't really know.(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread) drewberry4 2004-08-01 08:03 (link) Select well no, but considering the circumstances I'd think it would be more respectful if he would give you time to heal before he starts calling you and everything. It could produce false hope and end up hurting you more, ya know? Plus, if his girlfriend now has a problem with him calling you then he should respect them. Though we don't know what her thoughts are/were.(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread) peacefulmisery 2004-08-01 11:27 (link) Select Well, he did wait before he started to call me again. My problem is, I'm still not over it.(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread) drewberry4 2004-08-02 04:42 (link) Select Then tell him that. Let him know that this is hurting you, and you can try the friendship thing at a later time.(Reply to this)(Parent) ericamarie 2004-07-31 12:09 (link) Select the only thing I worry about is what if he does this to you again? yes, poeple can change, but people usually always go back to how they are. he might make a moutain out of a mile hole again. I worry about this. but, follow what your heart is telling you and what God is telling you and you can never go wrong. <3(Reply to this)(Thread) peacefulmisery 2004-07-31 18:15 (link) Select What your heart is telling you isn't always what God is telling you, though. Following your heart can be dangerous.(Reply to this)(Parent) fairlybroken 2004-08-01 09:12 (link) Select you KNOW where i stand on this. he is NOT WORTH IT, dear.

(no subject)

This lyric has been stuck in my head so I'm going to post it in here:

"She's like a hot cloth on a fevered head and like a needle she leads me (well, I follow like thread). But you untied me-didn't you untie me, Lord? And now I haven't even thought about killing myself in almost five months." - mewithoutYou.

(no subject)

So. It doesn't look like Jared's going to be moving here as soon as I had previously thought. This disappoints me greatly.

I guess he really didn't want to be with me after all.

Whatever. =\