"I feel much better when I cry on my own shoulder, just throw on a sweater and go..."

[hot_foot_steph]

Whew! Stressful, yet good, day.

God has really shown me some things.

Jared sent me this devotion he did today, by Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest":


"We are apt to imagine that Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.

What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of turmoil calm and unperplexed that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working toward a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right becos I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.

God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterward. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.

God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the choas of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious."

This hit me harder than HARD. I really gotta get my act together, kids.

I need not do things for God just to get to a certain dream I have...'cause it might not be what God wants for me. I need to do things for HIM, and myself (in intervention with God, of course), and not just for any relationship I might have with someone.

God, clearly, does NOT want me concerned about marriage and future children now. Heh. Really.

I guess I worry that Jared will come to miss me so much that it'll hinder him if I become better at not dwelling over our relationship and the aspects of it than he is.

This is SO HARD because God KNOWS my heart's desire is strong. It's so hard to put it off for another day...

The future should not be my concern.

This is quite possibly the biggest thing that stood out in that devotion:
"We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterward."

Dang. I am such a failure. But you know what? You can't LEARN if you're not a failure. The more you fail, the more you learn. Take Peter. He was a brave boy. But his faith was contradicting itself like a motha. "I won't deny you, Jesus!" "What? I don't even know that man!" And yet Jesus used Peter like woah. We DON'T have it all together. Not even close. And the key to learning after you fail at something is NOT to stress out about it, it's to relax, be willing, and trust GOD to MAKE you willing if you AREN'T.

Yeah. I'm done.

Whew.

Comments

[our-emergency.livejournal.com]

steph, i just want to say thankyou for sharing.. i needed that.

[peacefulmisery.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thank you, Shelly. I needed to hear that someone needed to hear it. That makes me feel like God used me for something. :) I hope you're doing well, Shelly. :)

Much love,
Stephanie

[lauraaudrey.livejournal.com]

That's so true, Steph. You can't learn if you don't fail. You have to trust God and just go with the flow. You'll fail, you'll make mistakes, you'll worry like crazy and you'll be confused, but in the end it all turns out how God planned. It's so hard to trust that and believe it, but I'm learning, too...and I wish I could give God all of my trust. I hate hindering it. But learning is the best gift he's given us aside of love ;)