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Aug. 6th, 2003 02:43 pmI am so fucking mad.
And what makes me even more mad, is that I have to blame my anger on P.M.S. Can't a girl just be "really really mad" withOUT having to blame it on this?
I swear...I think I just might be dangerous during this time.
And my mom just pisses me off. It's like she never ceases to. I was going to go to the pool today; I woke up and it was beautifully sunny. I got online to check some things, and for some reason my anger just kept building up. There were so many lj entries to read, Allison didn't know WHAT she wanted to do tonight so I just kind of blew her off, it was already getting to be 1:30 and yet I was still wasting my time online, and all these LITTLE things just kept making me angrier and angrier. Just as I was about to walk out of the door to go the pool, it got cloudy. But I still drove over to the pool. I got there and the water was FILTHY. That just added to my pissy mood. On the way home ('cause I didn't stay), I swear I could've had a wreck I was just so...ANNNNNNNNGRY. And on the way, I just felt like killing myself. I got home, threw myself on my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and just steamed. You know when you're just so mad that you begin to cry...but you can't just CRY 'cause it's a mixture of anger and...cryness? Yeah. So then my throat started hurting 'cause I couldn't cry I was so mad but I WANTED to cry but I was mad that I even WAS beginning to cry in the FIRST place. You know that feeling? And then I started to cry when I thought of how hard college is going to be without being able to talk to Jared as much. I just went a week without talking to him on the phone and it was hard to talk to him when we finally were ABLE to talk to each other again by phone and not just the Internet. So then I started worrying...what if this brings us apart? What if we can't talk as much if we have to wait so long to hear the other person's voice? Who knows, maybe it really wasn't that it was hard to talk to him after a week of not doing so...maybe it was just that I'm P.M.S.-ing and am too prideful to let out that I miss the boy. I think P.M.S. does that to me or something. Makes me difficult and prideful and non-emotional. Or maybe I'm non-emotional (er, emotionless?) anyway. And probably certainly prideful. Prideful about my emotions. Or something. GAH! I'm AWFUL!!! HOW could he want to be with me. I was talking to him last night and it just kept building up...I couldn't TALK. I mean I just COULDN'T. I had so much to say, but really I just wanted to cry and I wished he was actually HERE to see me nod in reply to him 'cause I couldn't talk. I had to force myself to say I missed him. Not that I didn't, but because I don't think I'm as emotional as he is. At least, not in front of him...(or rather, not on the phone). So finally after I said, in a very flat voice, "I think I'm just going to go 'cause I'm not saying anything and this is just wasting the hour that my dad gives me each month to call you." and he's like, "Alright" in a confused voice, and then I just lose it. I say, "No! Uh! I don't KNOW what's wrong with me!" and finally I just start crying and the phone is soaked. I'm thinkin' I'm gonna get electrocuted or something 'cause my tears are going into the little hole things on the speaker part of the phone.
Maybe I'm overreacting 'cause of P.M.S. time. It's just that, when I called him and found it hard to tell him all that was on my mind, I IMMEDIATELY started worrying that this would mean we would grow apart and not be able to communicate anymore once I go away to school if we have to take long breaks in between talking to each other BY PHONE.
It was just an effing WEEK! And then I worry that this means I'm obsessed and that God will SURELY take him away now...if I can't pull myself together after a WEEK of not being able to talk to him by phone. (Although, I'm better at talking to him face to face than anything.)
Maybe all this IS just P.M.S. I wonder if Jared would want to stay with me if he knew THIS is what he'd have to deal with during "period week." =\ Yikes. I mean seriously. I am like...Satan during this time. And I mean, it's not like during every "period week" I'm THIS angry. But sometimes "period week" will come and I AM this horrible.
And after I was in my room WITH THE DOOR LOCKED (meaning, Don't Come In, right? Of course! DUH!) and my mom knocks on the door and very unmotherlylike says "What are ya doin'?" and I say "Nothing." (And our family has found out that if the door is locked, you can easily get a coin and unlock it with that) So she goes and gets a coin and unlocks the door and goes, "oh, you're going back to sleep?" in that same unmotherlylike voice. And I go "Yup." And she said "Oh" and leaves. I HATE THAT! GAH! It absolutely bugs me to DEATH. She's a friggin' MOM. Can't she tell when her daughter's in a HORRIBLE mood?! Can't she be a MOM?! Gah! These are the times I hope I'm not like her when/if I'm a mom. I mean, don't get me wrong, my mother is wonderful in many ways but there are SOME things that I hope I do not carry over into motherdom for MY kids. For one thing, she can't apologize. Secondly, every time I try to discuss something with her she immediately gets defensive, thinking I'm trying to be argumentative. Ugh. And another thing...she can't be a FRIEND. She can be a mom, but she's not a very good understanding FRIEND.
But yeah. If there's anything I hate most...it's when there is so much on my mind...just HURTING to come out...and I can't say ANY of it. I mean, it's not that I'm just NOT doing it....it's that I honestly CAN'T!!! I don't know how that is...but it happens to me.
Yeah. I'm done. ARGH!!!
And what makes me even more mad, is that I have to blame my anger on P.M.S. Can't a girl just be "really really mad" withOUT having to blame it on this?
I swear...I think I just might be dangerous during this time.
And my mom just pisses me off. It's like she never ceases to. I was going to go to the pool today; I woke up and it was beautifully sunny. I got online to check some things, and for some reason my anger just kept building up. There were so many lj entries to read, Allison didn't know WHAT she wanted to do tonight so I just kind of blew her off, it was already getting to be 1:30 and yet I was still wasting my time online, and all these LITTLE things just kept making me angrier and angrier. Just as I was about to walk out of the door to go the pool, it got cloudy. But I still drove over to the pool. I got there and the water was FILTHY. That just added to my pissy mood. On the way home ('cause I didn't stay), I swear I could've had a wreck I was just so...ANNNNNNNNGRY. And on the way, I just felt like killing myself. I got home, threw myself on my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and just steamed. You know when you're just so mad that you begin to cry...but you can't just CRY 'cause it's a mixture of anger and...cryness? Yeah. So then my throat started hurting 'cause I couldn't cry I was so mad but I WANTED to cry but I was mad that I even WAS beginning to cry in the FIRST place. You know that feeling? And then I started to cry when I thought of how hard college is going to be without being able to talk to Jared as much. I just went a week without talking to him on the phone and it was hard to talk to him when we finally were ABLE to talk to each other again by phone and not just the Internet. So then I started worrying...what if this brings us apart? What if we can't talk as much if we have to wait so long to hear the other person's voice? Who knows, maybe it really wasn't that it was hard to talk to him after a week of not doing so...maybe it was just that I'm P.M.S.-ing and am too prideful to let out that I miss the boy. I think P.M.S. does that to me or something. Makes me difficult and prideful and non-emotional. Or maybe I'm non-emotional (er, emotionless?) anyway. And probably certainly prideful. Prideful about my emotions. Or something. GAH! I'm AWFUL!!! HOW could he want to be with me. I was talking to him last night and it just kept building up...I couldn't TALK. I mean I just COULDN'T. I had so much to say, but really I just wanted to cry and I wished he was actually HERE to see me nod in reply to him 'cause I couldn't talk. I had to force myself to say I missed him. Not that I didn't, but because I don't think I'm as emotional as he is. At least, not in front of him...(or rather, not on the phone). So finally after I said, in a very flat voice, "I think I'm just going to go 'cause I'm not saying anything and this is just wasting the hour that my dad gives me each month to call you." and he's like, "Alright" in a confused voice, and then I just lose it. I say, "No! Uh! I don't KNOW what's wrong with me!" and finally I just start crying and the phone is soaked. I'm thinkin' I'm gonna get electrocuted or something 'cause my tears are going into the little hole things on the speaker part of the phone.
Maybe I'm overreacting 'cause of P.M.S. time. It's just that, when I called him and found it hard to tell him all that was on my mind, I IMMEDIATELY started worrying that this would mean we would grow apart and not be able to communicate anymore once I go away to school if we have to take long breaks in between talking to each other BY PHONE.
It was just an effing WEEK! And then I worry that this means I'm obsessed and that God will SURELY take him away now...if I can't pull myself together after a WEEK of not being able to talk to him by phone. (Although, I'm better at talking to him face to face than anything.)
Maybe all this IS just P.M.S. I wonder if Jared would want to stay with me if he knew THIS is what he'd have to deal with during "period week." =\ Yikes. I mean seriously. I am like...Satan during this time. And I mean, it's not like during every "period week" I'm THIS angry. But sometimes "period week" will come and I AM this horrible.
And after I was in my room WITH THE DOOR LOCKED (meaning, Don't Come In, right? Of course! DUH!) and my mom knocks on the door and very unmotherlylike says "What are ya doin'?" and I say "Nothing." (And our family has found out that if the door is locked, you can easily get a coin and unlock it with that) So she goes and gets a coin and unlocks the door and goes, "oh, you're going back to sleep?" in that same unmotherlylike voice. And I go "Yup." And she said "Oh" and leaves. I HATE THAT! GAH! It absolutely bugs me to DEATH. She's a friggin' MOM. Can't she tell when her daughter's in a HORRIBLE mood?! Can't she be a MOM?! Gah! These are the times I hope I'm not like her when/if I'm a mom. I mean, don't get me wrong, my mother is wonderful in many ways but there are SOME things that I hope I do not carry over into motherdom for MY kids. For one thing, she can't apologize. Secondly, every time I try to discuss something with her she immediately gets defensive, thinking I'm trying to be argumentative. Ugh. And another thing...she can't be a FRIEND. She can be a mom, but she's not a very good understanding FRIEND.
But yeah. If there's anything I hate most...it's when there is so much on my mind...just HURTING to come out...and I can't say ANY of it. I mean, it's not that I'm just NOT doing it....it's that I honestly CAN'T!!! I don't know how that is...but it happens to me.
Yeah. I'm done. ARGH!!!
