"The bathroom is a creepy place for pictures of your friends..."

Well.

My life.

Battling the horrors of my anxiety disorder, analyzing everything to the very last bit, wondering all the time if Jesus has really chosen me or not, and taking the New Testament at single verses rather than the book as a whole...my life is stayed at internally busy. However, I am doing better. Kind of. I'm fighting back. The last couple of days have been somewhat hard, hopefully because of my period and what moodiness THAT brings along, and also because I've been taking my Risperdal much later and going to bed much later might have to do with my increase in symptoms.

Externally, I've been incredibly busy as well. Eighteen credit hours, I'm always on the go. Friday I was alone in my room and so I watched 2 of Shay's movies - 28 Days and City of Angels. I also read some of my Biology. Then Saturday, I read some more Biology, then wrote my paper on Separation of Church and State while watching Drop Dead Gorgeous with Julie, and then I read some of The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer for my New Testament class, and then I wrote my part of my group's symposium of the deforestation of tropical rainforests for speech class (I'm doing the analysis part), and then I read my assigned chapters and verses of Matthew for New Testament as well. Then I put in Simply Irresistible and when Julie came back, we watched some of it. I haven't finished it because I thought it wise to get some sleep, if that is indeed what has been causing some of my increase in symptoms lately.

Jared and I are reading "The Purpose Driven Life," by Rick Warren, together. It's actually designed to be done with a partner. I'm excited about that. You read a chapter a day, and the overall theme is "What on Earth am I here for?" and it's supposed to help you understand your purpose in this life.

Today Julie and I might watch "Girl, Interrupted." Since I have finished the majority of my work, I dont' know what I'll be doing today. I was just reading some of Chuck Palahnuik's "Invisible Monsters." I don't think I'm going to finish "The Fountainhead," by Ayn Rand. I've been reading that book since this past summer and I just can't get into it, even if I AM on page 500 something. Who knows...maybe I'll pick it back up later. I just don't understand the woman's logic.

"Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless." Bertrand Russell, atheist

(no subject)

I wish I could suffer for noble reasons.

I wish I wasn't an extremist.

"Waaaaaaaaaake up, it's 6 A.M..."

I HATE having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I feel like less of a person.

For me to not be able to HANDLE the normal stresses of life.

I called my counselor, for the MILLIONTH time (I feel so bad calling her on Emergency call...I've done it so many times since I had this overdosage of medicine...but I HAD to!) and she calmed me down. I should NOT have watched "Girl, Interrupted." My counselor scolded me, saying that my brain's not ready for that kind of movie. I told her I thought I was supposed to be fine after two weeks, but she told me it would get BETTER in two weeks (which two weeks has already passed), but that I may not be where I need to be for months. =\ :'(

I don't WANT Jared to have to DEAL with a PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND!!!

I don't LIKE myself right now. At all at all.

I don't WANT to have this!!! http://www.ocfoundation.org/ocf1010a.htm